Finally a "V"ictory

I have spent weeks with "V." At first, it was a difficult part of my day as I desperately wanted to bond with this child...wanted to prove something to myself. Perhaps it was naive of me, but my entire philosophy of teaching was fairly simple: I love kids, kids will know this, and kids will want to have a great relationship with me. In turn, they will want to please me and will eventually gain intrinsic rewards based on their academic achievement. This may hold true for a lot of children...but it didn't hold true at all for "V."

Toward the middle of my time with her (up until this point- my field experience hours are complete, but I am going to work more in this program because it's an invaluable learning opportunity, and I think I am actually of some use there which feels amazing), things became quite tense with "V." I have never known a child to react so negatively toward me. She would cry relentlessly and refuse to work (read aloud to me and work on writing assignments). She would fake illness and afterwards skip happily back to class as if nothing was wrong at all. She would be quite sharp and harsh with me. She would not walk beside me in the hallway. She did everything in her power to let me know that she just didn't like me, not even one little bit.

I tried constant praise. I tried hugs (she would not have it at all). I tried reasoning with her. I tried more praise. I tried talking to her, asking about her day. I tried compliments.

Nothing at all worked.

I went home those days feeling unbelievably defeated and sad. I choked back tears a number of times and knew I had better toughen up because for the first time I realized that, surely, "V" would not be the only child to behave this way in my future teaching career. This is just part of it. My eyes have been opened.

I was extremely proud of myself for maintaining my composure during this time. I have within me more patience than I knew...and it has made me think about my ability to mother my children. If I have so much patience for this little girl that is not my own (and had made no effort whatsoever to connect with me in any meaningful way), surely I can have more patience with my children who are the guiding force in my very existence. Yes, "V" has taught me a lot.

There was, however, a turning point a couple of weeks ago. I consciously decided to give in a little bit to the things that 'V" wanted to do. She wanted to work with letter tiles, and so we did this, and I found ways to integrate what she needed to do based on her assignments with what she wanted to do. And then I discovered that she likes a "high five!" We had a great day, and it just sorta happened out of thin air. The next day, I did not allow "V" to run things as much...but I did a little. We had another good day. We have had a number of good days now, and today, when she saw me, she walked quickly to me and gave me a hug...and later, she snuggled into me while we were working at a computer. It surprised me but gave me so much validation and joy.

I can't be sure what changed exactly, but I do know that I didn't give up...I do know that even when "V" pushed me away in the most harsh way, I did not stop trying; I did not stop caring. That in itself is a victory to me.